I recently finished reading The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 by Athol Kay. This book has been getting some attention lately. You may have seen a recent review on the blog of one of my colleagues. Kay takes a look at the use of evolutionary psychology and Pick Up Artist (PUA) techniques and how married men can use them to increase desire in women.
A frequent complaint about PUA is the goal of many practitioners (men) to try to have as much sex with as many women as possible. Kay joins a growing trend of looking at how those same techniques can be used to increase desire and the frequency of sex in monogamous couples.
The book shines in several ways. First, it does an excellent job of clarifying a basic concept. Kay makes it clear that we can only control ourselves. Attempts to make someone else desire us will fail. What we can do is improve ourselves to increase our attractiveness.
Kay also does a good job of explaining and demonstrating how evol psych operates in a relationship. By doing this it becomes easy to understand where changes and improvements can be made to maximize attractiveness.
Finally, Kay translates the theory into an action plan. He outlines how and where improvements should take place. His plan considers where the most impact can be achieved while balancing the various costs (time, effort, money) of each area.
One criticism of Kay’s presentation of the issue is that it comes across that we are so hardwired that there is little deviation from the biological drives we have. This particularly comes across when the author discusses how to decide whether to stay in a relationship or not. While I agree that these are our basic drives I also believe that conscious choice lets us choose how we act in response to these drives.
If you are a man looking to increase the amount of sex in your relationship I definitely recommend this book. It is a very easy read that doesn’t get bogged down in discussion of theory and science and gives real life examples. I’m willing to bet that if you follow Kay’s plan you’ll not only feel more attractive you’ll also see the results in the reactions of others.