I often talk to my clients about being “too heady.” By that I mean many people have become disconnected from their bodies and spend too much time thinking and worrying. When we get that way we don’t feel things. We think about them. Sometimes people get in their heads specifically to avoid feeling certain feelings…usually the so called bad feelings or emotions. That includes things like sadness, grief, hurt, loneliness and frustration. But getting away from those emotions means you are also getting away from the positive feelings like happiness, joy and gratitude. There is a big difference between thinking about feeling happy and actually feeling happy.
When it comes to sex being too much in your head can really diminish the pleasure of sex. Have you ever found yourself focused on things like, “are they enjoying this?” or “Is my [insert body part(s) of choice] big/firm/long/tight/thick/hard/round/ enough?” or even “I wonder how I compare to the other people they’ve been with” while you are having sex? Then you are being “heady.” When that happens I work with clients to learn to reconnect with their bodies. Instead of thinking about the sex they are having I want them to actually feel the sex they are having. The feel of naked skin, the heat of passion, the smell of a wonderful partner, the look of ecstasy…
But recently I’ve run into a different situation. A client was talking about how he wasn’t enjoying sex. He had a willing partner that he was attracted to. The physical parts were all functioning well. It wasn’t until we talked several time that he said something that surprised. He told me that he found sex boring, that his mind wanders during sex. When I asked him what he meant he said he often is thinking about all of the other, more interesting things he could be doing.
This caught me off guard because he was a very intelligent and curious guy. We had talked about a lot of aspects about sex, and he had been very engaged in the discussion had a lot of thoughts and ideas. I asked him how he could be bored if he was integrating all of the different aspects of sex that we had discussed. It turns out he wasn’t. Despite all of the talk about energy, dynamics, sensation, creativity and more, sex for him was purely the physical act of intercourse. No wonder he was bored!
I asked if he ever challenged himself to see if he could drive his partner wild in a different way. I asked how much joy he got in getting a positive response from her by doing something new or unexpected. I asked if he talked with his partner about keeping things interesting. I asked if he pays attention to all of the sensations he was having during sex.
It was clear that when I started asking what kinds of things he did to make sex interesting that a light bulb came on. He realized that he wasn’t putting in the focus and attention that he devotes to other activities. Nothing is interesting if you are just going through the motions. He wasn’t just too much in his head, he didn’t even have his head in the same room!
There is no reason sex should ever be boring. While some people are too much in their heads about sex, the truth is that great sex is a product of both the mind and the body. Physical parts moving back and forth can be great. But when your mind is both aware of your body and contributing to the activity, the potential for great sex is incredible.